The Show Must Go On!!!

“The show must go on!” Having been in the entertainment industry, I know this mantra all too well.  I’ve “performed” while deathly ill, danced on a severely sprained ankle, danced while hung over, danced while I was nursing a broken heart, and many other scenarios I’m sure.  One thing was certain, I would put my make up on and smile pretty for the camera, or the live audience or whatever it was I was doing at the time.  Many times, dance was a great escape.  It was a reason to suck it up and shut off any emotion I might be feeling.  So, I trained myself not only in my professional life but in my real life to just smile and not deal.  I lived most of my life in this dissociative place.

 

So here I am now, no longer dancing for the cameras but trying to live my life as authentically as I can.  I’m on a journey to self discovery and what I’m learning is that we all desire intimacy.  I heard somewhere that intimacy stands for “into me see”.  To be secure enough to be known in our deepest core and to be loved is what we really want.  For someone to love us warts and all.  I believe we have to get that security from our Creator.  We can’t live it if we don’t feel it.  I believe it’s what each and every single person desires in this world.  To be seen and to be loved.  I am working on something really special right now.  My dad’s passing has fueled my fire and has pushed me off the ledge to finally make this happen.  I’m really excited about it but I can’t give you any details yet.  Stay tuned.

So, as I grieve honestly, I cry when I need to and I laugh without guilt.  Authentic living is to be free to feel.  I’m an isolator by nature.  When I first heard the news of my Dad’s passing I immediately dropped everything, ran upstairs and locked myself in the closet, cried, and prayed.  I have been very tempted to just take off and be alone but in the deepest core of my being, I don’t want to be alone.  I want to be surrounded by love, life, and laughter.  I want to be reminded that I’m still here and my mission is not finished.  I cry with my kids because I want them to see what grief looks like for me.  It’s not about sucking it up and being “strong” but being able to fall apart and allow others to give to me.  That takes being vulnerable to allow others to see me in my weakness.  I keep telling myself that even though this is my time to grieve, I have a responsibility to teach my kids by my example.  This is truly a journey and everything in life was meant to be felt.  We can’t have the joys without the heartache.  I try to remind myself that it’s a good thing.  It means I have a pulse.  As I go through this challenging time, I’m reminded by this amazing quote….

Thanks for listening.  This is therapeutic for me.  I wrestled with whether or not I should go on with my next online challenge group.  August 24th to October 2nd.  I decided to go ahead with it because ironically, one of the topics we’ll be discussing is how to deal with emotional eating and dealing with triggers.  I also have a special guest joining us.  We will have Sandi Atmore, a Grief Recovery counselor on board to help us unpack these issues and give us practical advice on how to deal in a healthy way.  Space is limited.  RSVP today.  Spread the word.  Would love to do this challenge with you.  Sign up here.

Day 4 of April Challenge!

Day 4

It’s been a few days since I’ve written.  I’m giving myself permission to chill and listen to my body. Right now I should be sleeping but I couldn’t sleep.  I had a rough day today. In case you didn’t hear the news, we miscarried a while back.  I’m doing OK.  I was resolved with the outcome and pretty much just went on with life.  Business as usual. I’ve had spurts of sadness but I’ve been too busy to feel. Today I went to Target and walked by all the baby clothes and toys.  I watched the excited, expectant moms shopping with anticipation.  It seems like everywhere I go, everyone is pregnant.  It’s just a constant reminder that I am not.  It’s easy for me to just not think about it and go about my busy life.  My life is super busy right now. We’re in the middle of a HUGE move out of state and I have a lot on my plate.  I had to give myself permission to grieve and to be OK with being sad.  It’s actually easier to check out, numb out, and not deal.  In my fitness classes, I teach my clients to be in the moment.  I teach them not to be afraid of emotions, hard challenging moves, and to be open to the challenge. Just like in life, we are sometimes thrown a curve ball.  Sometimes, we don’t know why things happen.  I know for me, I can intellectualize it and just give myself a pep talk.  “It’s OK, everything happens for a reason.”  “God is in control.”  “It’s just not meant to be.”  Even though it may be true, it can divert my true feelings and make it harder for me to be in touch.  It’s OK to be sad.  It’s OK to be sorrowful.  It’s OK to be human.

1) YOGA DAY- How fitting that today is Yoga day.  Yoga really helps me to see the parallels of real life and my practice on the mat.  Yoga helps me to hear the chatter in my mind and as I hold poses, I can slowly calm the chatter and focus on the NOW.   If I’m all over the place in my mind, I’m all over the place on my mat.  It’s a great challenge mentally and of course physically.  I have to surrender to where I’m at physically.  I can’t fake it or force it.  I have to just BE.  That’s the beauty of Yoga.  You are forced to be your authentic self even if you’re falling all over the mat.  You can’t have ego in yoga.  LOL!  Another beautiful thing in Yoga is there is no judgment.  You accept where you’re at with no judgment.  Some days you feel stronger than others.  It’s OK.  I need to take some yoga today to learn some lessons on being present and being in the moment.  I hope you can join me.  Peace:)))

 

2) Mantra- Love is Patient

My mantra is simple today.  I need to be patient with myself.  To be honest, the day after my miscarriage, I taught a high intensity fitness class.  My doctor was not happy with me.  She told me I needed to rest and let my body heal.  In my mind, I was ready to go after my normal fitness regimen and go full out.  I felt good, I had energy.  I was in a hurry to get back in to tip top shape.  Why?  What’s the hurry?  I had to ask myself these question.  I think for me, it gave me some kind of comfort to get back on a schedule and take my mind off of the loss.  I listened to my doctor and took it easy for the next couple of weeks.  I have to constantly remind myself that I’m not in a race, I’m not in a hurry, and it’s OK to take some time to recuperate.  If I’m not patient with myself, how can I be patient with others.  In 1 Corinthians 13:4 It says, “Love is patient”….that’s all I have to remember.

So I ask for your patience as I’m going through this time in my life.  I may not blog daily but I’m always available on Facebook.  Please “like” us if you haven’t already:)))  I will host my next challenge group in June.  In the next couple of months, I will be moving and healing.  Thanks for your support, loyalty, and encouragement.  It means a lot!!!

Love you guys and I’m rooting for you:)))) XOXO!!!