“The show must go on!” Having been in the entertainment industry, I know this mantra all too well. I’ve “performed” while deathly ill, danced on a severely sprained ankle, danced while hung over, danced while I was nursing a broken heart, and many other scenarios I’m sure. One thing was certain, I would put my make up on and smile pretty for the camera, or the live audience or whatever it was I was doing at the time. Many times, dance was a great escape. It was a reason to suck it up and shut off any emotion I might be feeling. So, I trained myself not only in my professional life but in my real life to just smile and not deal. I lived most of my life in this dissociative place.
So here I am now, no longer dancing for the cameras but trying to live my life as authentically as I can. I’m on a journey to self discovery and what I’m learning is that we all desire intimacy. I heard somewhere that intimacy stands for “into me see”. To be secure enough to be known in our deepest core and to be loved is what we really want. For someone to love us warts and all. I believe we have to get that security from our Creator. We can’t live it if we don’t feel it. I believe it’s what each and every single person desires in this world. To be seen and to be loved. I am working on something really special right now. My dad’s passing has fueled my fire and has pushed me off the ledge to finally make this happen. I’m really excited about it but I can’t give you any details yet. Stay tuned.
So, as I grieve honestly, I cry when I need to and I laugh without guilt. Authentic living is to be free to feel. I’m an isolator by nature. When I first heard the news of my Dad’s passing I immediately dropped everything, ran upstairs and locked myself in the closet, cried, and prayed. I have been very tempted to just take off and be alone but in the deepest core of my being, I don’t want to be alone. I want to be surrounded by love, life, and laughter. I want to be reminded that I’m still here and my mission is not finished. I cry with my kids because I want them to see what grief looks like for me. It’s not about sucking it up and being “strong” but being able to fall apart and allow others to give to me. That takes being vulnerable to allow others to see me in my weakness. I keep telling myself that even though this is my time to grieve, I have a responsibility to teach my kids by my example. This is truly a journey and everything in life was meant to be felt. We can’t have the joys without the heartache. I try to remind myself that it’s a good thing. It means I have a pulse. As I go through this challenging time, I’m reminded by this amazing quote….
Thanks for listening. This is therapeutic for me. I wrestled with whether or not I should go on with my next online challenge group. August 24th to October 2nd. I decided to go ahead with it because ironically, one of the topics we’ll be discussing is how to deal with emotional eating and dealing with triggers. I also have a special guest joining us. We will have Sandi Atmore, a Grief Recovery counselor on board to help us unpack these issues and give us practical advice on how to deal in a healthy way. Space is limited. RSVP today. Spread the word. Would love to do this challenge with you. Sign up here.